Ayres Insanity

   Well, we finally did it! We had a baby, and she is absolutely beautiful!   As per the usual with this entire journey, nothing went according to plan, but Mac and Katy are now holding their beautiful little girl which, makes it all worthwhile.     At 46 years old, the pregnancy was difficult. I suppose I should’ve expected it to be that way but I just assumed I had the same resiliency I did 12 years ago, but unfortunately that wasn’t the case. My body has been through a lot during this process, and I definitely felt it through the entire pregnancy, but the baby was healthy and thriving and that’s what mattered the most.     On June 27th I started having weekly appointments. Everything looked great that day, but by the time I went back on July 2nd things had taken an interesting turn. I had been having contractions for a few weeks, but over the last couple of days they had increased in intensity and frequency, still I didn’t think too much of it, but ...

       Being a mom can be hard, it feels heavy a lot of the time, and so often I feel like my kids success depends fully on me. They’re older now, I don’t have to chase them around and meet their every need, it certainly isn’t as physically demanding as it used to be, but the mental load can be hard to carry alone.       There are so many emotions that come with older kids, you worry about everything. Do they have good friends? Have I taught them how to function in the world without me? Do they have a testimony? I’m pretty sure dads don’t lie awake at night worrying about these things, but moms do. And the weird part is that the older they get, the more they need the influence of their dads, good friends and other trusted adults. I know my kids love me, but it seems like I am becoming less influential in their lives, and that can be a hard pill to swallow, s o I’m always especially grateful when someone steps in and does something that I can’t....

    2024 was a lot. Truthfully, I’m not even sure where to start, but it has been a whirlwind.   I suppose it would be best to start with my gains, most importantly I gained a daughter-in-law! In my last post, I mentioned Hayley, The love of Taevin‘s life. They spent the first year of Taevin‘s college experience in Cedar city together, But as their relationship progressed, and there was talk of marriage, they decided to come home and make those future plans a priority. It was fun having Taevin home from college, for the first month or two he was so full of gratitude for the luxuries of home, I guess being on your own for a while makes you realize how good you have it when mom is around. Anyway, they came home at the end of April and Taevin started planning his proposal. Russ and I took him to a local jeweler who was fantastic! Instead of just creating one ring, he made three just for Taevin! He wanted to make sure everything was perfect and that Hayley was getting exactly...

    Have you ever had a thought, like kind of a weird one? One that that pops back into your head often and you're not sure why? I think we have a tendency to question these thoughts and wonder, "Is this just me being crazy or could this possibly be from God?"    I remember thinking several years ago about surrogacy, most women hate being pregnant, but I never have, and the thought intrigued me. I looked into it, but at the time, Aspen was still little and the intensity of it overwhelmed me.    It has popped into my brain several times over the years, I’ve even mentioned it to Russ before, but he has always responded with an adamant “no way”, he (along with most people) thinks it’s weird. I on the other hand don’t think it’s weird, and it came up again about six months ago. It was the last day of school, and I along with another mom, Heidi, had taken the girls to the lake for an end of school party, her husband, Curtis was there as well, they...

    I really should spend more time on this blog, It's the only kind of journaling I do, and our lives are so full of things that are worth remembering. I actually had to re-read the last post so I could remember what I needed to catch up on.    As per the usual, the kids went back to school in the fall, Taevin entered his senior year which was exciting and crazy and involved some ups & downs. The nice part was that since he had most of his required credits completed, his schedule was pretty flexible and I got to spend a little extra time with him. The awful part was that he had his first relationship... and she was a nightmare to put it lightly. I find it interesting that people get so worried about their daughters being mistreated in a relationship (and I'm no exception) but few really consider the possibility of their sons being in an abusive relationship, but when it happens, there are few things more heart-breaking for a mama. Let me...

       It's the middle of July, I just got back from the pool with Rebecca and the girls, who are now playing at her house for the evening. The boys are at FSY and Russ is at work. The house is quiet, except for the ice cream maker that is running downstairs, but this is a rare event so I figured I'd sit down and make the most  of it.     My last post was a little sad, but the reality of it is that I was a little  a lot sad. It's not like I wanted to die and leave my family or anything, but I certainly didn't feel like I was truly living, so I finally broke down and talked to my doctor who put me on a medication that has helped immensely! Like seriously, this was the kindest act of self-care I've ever done for myself and I wish I would've done it years ago. I'm finally the mom I've always wanted to be... for the most part anyway.      The world is getting weirder and more evil by the day, but I'm handling it, and...

    I've  mentioned a few times how I feel about this "pandemic". A hoax, a man-made virus, fear mongering with side effects far more dangerous than the virus itself, and an agenda driven by politics and those seeking power. This has been going on for nearly 2 years now and there's always some new scheme to assert control over the masses; new variants, masks, vaccines and boosters. Everyone is confused and divided, and I'm tired.  I have sought inspiration and feel like the Lord has supported my decisions, and as long as He has my back, nothing else matters, right? That's what I thought, until my answers went against what the prophet was saying. I mean how does that even work? I was always taught that my personal revelation would never contradict the council of the Lord's prophet. So I cling to Jesus like a life-line, knowing that at least He understands me, even when my priesthood leaders see me as rebellious and lacking faith, or at least t...

    I don't always dream, and I don't  always remember them clearly when I do have them, but when it's a happy dream I'm super grateful when I wake up thinking about it. Last night I dreamed about grandma. I've had a couple of dreams about her since she passed and it always makes me smile.     It's weird because I rarely dream about my dad, I wish I did because I really miss him too, and he left me with so many questions that it'd be nice if he checked in once in a while, but I guess he must have a full schedule on the other side.     Anyway, I'm grateful that I was able see grandma for a bit last night. She looked so beautiful, still like a grandma, but not as old and frail as she was at the end. As soon as I saw her I ran and gave her the biggest hug, it was funny because I offered to have her stay at my house (she must have known that we sold hers), but she declined because my house was too full of noise and chaos, I get tha...

    Yesterday we went to a get-together with the the people from my pathways gathering, it was nice to meet in person with these people that I had thus far only interacted with online. As we chatted, one person in our group revealed that he is afraid of dogs. He owns a pest control company and has been bitten a few times while being in peoples homes, I guess I can understand his reservations, but it's hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of not liking animals. I was raised with them and as a general rule, I like most animals.     Something I've learned about myself over the years is that although I love animals, I'm pretty picky about the kind I will have as pets. We are dog people around here, well for the most part anyway, Taevin is a cat person, but I think the rest of us prefer dogs.       I don't love having big dogs in my house, I prefer their temperment to small dogs but the sheer size is too much in this already crazy...

     Russ has worked a graveyard shift almost our entire marriage, and for much of that time he has held a second job as well. Most days he leaves around 5:00 pm, goes to both jobs, and comes home around 7:20 the next morning.      I couldn't be more grateful for a husband who values hard work and does what it takes to support our family, but I don't love being alone at night, and I worry about him. I pray every night that he will be brought home safely to me in the morning, and I always breathe a subconscious sigh of relief  every morning when I hear the garage open.      I am usually up and getting the kids ready for school by the time he gets home, but sometimes on the weekends when I don't have to get out of bed, he crawls in next to me and somehow manages to stay awake long enough to cuddle for a while, and this is the best part of my day.

    What a year! It's almost over so I figured a recap was in order.    Taevin is 15, he's had his learners permit since January and has become a pretty decent driver. He'll be turning 16 and getting his license in about 3 weeks, and is so excited! I'm excited to have someone to run my errands for me, but the doubling of my car insurance... not so much.  He's in the middle of his sophomore year, he doesn't love school work, but what teenager does? He does work hard though and has amazing friends, and a crush named Maddie who lives in Highland. He still loves to run and is playing the Cello in chamber orchestra.   Ryler turned 13 in November and it's weird to think that I have 2 teenagers! He is in 7th grade and playing the trumpet in band. He gets good grades and loves to be outside with his friends as much as possible. He definitely loves his mama and for the most part is helpful and sweet.   Zoey is in 4th grade and really enjoys schoo...

      My sweet grandma Whitney passed away this year. It was on November 10th, Ryler's 13th birthday. We knew it was coming, she'd been declining for a while, and it had gotten to the point that we were all praying that Heavenly Father would bring her home to her husband. It was just time.   It's been about 7 weeks now, I miss her, and it was weird not spending Christmas Eve at her house, but I'm so grateful to know that she's happy and reunited with my sweet grandpa. I'm grateful for the amount of time I got to spend with her throughout her life, and the spirit I felt as I sat at her bedside at the very end. Death is hard for those of us left behind, but the knowledge that is isn't permanent brings peace.  I was asked to speak at her funeral, so here is the talk I gave. It’s been nearly 27 years since I stood at a pulpit much like this one, sharing a tribute about grandpa. Now I only bring this up because it’s almost impossible to talk about one without me...

  My last post was in March. It was the beginning of the "pandemic" as people are calling it, but over the last several months, it has become alarmingly clear that our country is changing, and not in a way that anyone ever expected or wanted. America used to stand for freedom, and we were proud of that, but this virus has been used by people and politicians as a means to get gain & power, defy the constitution and steal the freedoms of the American people. The COVID-19 virus, although real and somewhat dangerous, has become a modern-day secret combination.    Here in Utah, and several other states, we are being forced by tyrannical governors to mask our faces, despite the massive scientific evidence that they not only are ineffective in preventing the spread of this disease or any other, but are highly detrimental to both the physical and mental/emotional well being of people. The survival rate of COVID patients is 99.97% as of the last s...

  Just so I NEVER forget... This is what is going on in our world right now, and one day it will be a story I tell to my grandkids, like the way my grandma talks about the the way she remembers the great depression or WWII. We are making history, and I want to remember the good & the bad.  Gas price a mile from home was $2.35 School cancelled - We are all home/ online schooling Gyms - closed!  Social distancing measures on the rise. Tape on the floors at grocery stores and others to help distance shoppers (6ft) from each other. Limited number of people inside stores, therefore, lineups outside the store doors. Non-essential stores and businesses mandated closed. Parks, trails, entire cities locked up. Entire sports seasons cancelled. Concerts, tours, festivals, entertainment events - cancelled. Weddings, family celebrations, holiday gatherings - cancelled. Churches are closed- this is also being done at home. No gatherings of 50 or more, then 20 or mor...