Ayres Insanity

    Have you ever had a thought, like kind of a weird one? One that that pops back into your head often and you're not sure why? I think we have a tendency to question these thoughts and wonder, "Is this just me being crazy or could this possibly be from God?"    I remember thinking several years ago about surrogacy, most women hate being pregnant, but I never have, and the thought intrigued me. I looked into it, but at the time, Aspen was still little and the intensity of it overwhelmed me.    It has popped into my brain several times over the years, I’ve even mentioned it to Russ before, but he has always responded with an adamant “no way”, he (along with most people) thinks it’s weird. I on the other hand don’t think it’s weird, and it came up again about six months ago. It was the last day of school, and I along with another mom, Heidi, had taken the girls to the lake for an end of school party, her husband, Curtis was there as well, they...

    I really should spend more time on this blog, It's the only kind of journaling I do, and our lives are so full of things that are worth remembering. I actually had to re-read the last post so I could remember what I needed to catch up on.    As per the usual, the kids went back to school in the fall, Taevin entered his senior year which was exciting and crazy and involved some ups & downs. The nice part was that since he had most of his required credits completed, his schedule was pretty flexible and I got to spend a little extra time with him. The awful part was that he had his first relationship... and she was a nightmare to put it lightly. I find it interesting that people get so worried about their daughters being mistreated in a relationship (and I'm no exception) but few really consider the possibility of their sons being in an abusive relationship, but when it happens, there are few things more heart-breaking for a mama. Let me...

       It's the middle of July, I just got back from the pool with Rebecca and the girls, who are now playing at her house for the evening. The boys are at FSY and Russ is at work. The house is quiet, except for the ice cream maker that is running downstairs, but this is a rare event so I figured I'd sit down and make the most  of it.     My last post was a little sad, but the reality of it is that I was a little  a lot sad. It's not like I wanted to die and leave my family or anything, but I certainly didn't feel like I was truly living, so I finally broke down and talked to my doctor who put me on a medication that has helped immensely! Like seriously, this was the kindest act of self-care I've ever done for myself and I wish I would've done it years ago. I'm finally the mom I've always wanted to be... for the most part anyway.      The world is getting weirder and more evil by the day, but I'm handling it, and...

    I've  mentioned a few times how I feel about this "pandemic". A hoax, a man-made virus, fear mongering with side effects far more dangerous than the virus itself, and an agenda driven by politics and those seeking power. This has been going on for nearly 2 years now and there's always some new scheme to assert control over the masses; new variants, masks, vaccines and boosters. Everyone is confused and divided, and I'm tired.  I have sought inspiration and feel like the Lord has supported my decisions, and as long as He has my back, nothing else matters, right? That's what I thought, until my answers went against what the prophet was saying. I mean how does that even work? I was always taught that my personal revelation would never contradict the council of the Lord's prophet. So I cling to Jesus like a life-line, knowing that at least He understands me, even when my priesthood leaders see me as rebellious and lacking faith, or at least t...

    I don't always dream, and I don't  always remember them clearly when I do have them, but when it's a happy dream I'm super grateful when I wake up thinking about it. Last night I dreamed about grandma. I've had a couple of dreams about her since she passed and it always makes me smile.     It's weird because I rarely dream about my dad, I wish I did because I really miss him too, and he left me with so many questions that it'd be nice if he checked in once in a while, but I guess he must have a full schedule on the other side.     Anyway, I'm grateful that I was able see grandma for a bit last night. She looked so beautiful, still like a grandma, but not as old and frail as she was at the end. As soon as I saw her I ran and gave her the biggest hug, it was funny because I offered to have her stay at my house (she must have known that we sold hers), but she declined because my house was too full of noise and chaos, I get tha...

    Yesterday we went to a get-together with the the people from my pathways gathering, it was nice to meet in person with these people that I had thus far only interacted with online. As we chatted, one person in our group revealed that he is afraid of dogs. He owns a pest control company and has been bitten a few times while being in peoples homes, I guess I can understand his reservations, but it's hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of not liking animals. I was raised with them and as a general rule, I like most animals.     Something I've learned about myself over the years is that although I love animals, I'm pretty picky about the kind I will have as pets. We are dog people around here, well for the most part anyway, Taevin is a cat person, but I think the rest of us prefer dogs.       I don't love having big dogs in my house, I prefer their temperment to small dogs but the sheer size is too much in this already crazy...

     Russ has worked a graveyard shift almost our entire marriage, and for much of that time he has held a second job as well. Most days he leaves around 5:00 pm, goes to both jobs, and comes home around 7:20 the next morning.      I couldn't be more grateful for a husband who values hard work and does what it takes to support our family, but I don't love being alone at night, and I worry about him. I pray every night that he will be brought home safely to me in the morning, and I always breathe a subconscious sigh of relief  every morning when I hear the garage open.      I am usually up and getting the kids ready for school by the time he gets home, but sometimes on the weekends when I don't have to get out of bed, he crawls in next to me and somehow manages to stay awake long enough to cuddle for a while, and this is the best part of my day.