Alligators

    I've mentioned a few times how I feel about this "pandemic". A hoax, a man-made virus, fear mongering with side effects far more dangerous than the virus itself, and an agenda driven by politics and those seeking power. This has been going on for nearly 2 years now and there's always some new scheme to assert control over the masses; new variants, masks, vaccines and boosters. Everyone is confused and divided, and I'm tired. 

I have sought inspiration and feel like the Lord has supported my decisions, and as long as He has my back, nothing else matters, right? That's what I thought, until my answers went against what the prophet was saying. I mean how does that even work? I was always taught that my personal revelation would never contradict the council of the Lord's prophet. So I cling to Jesus like a life-line, knowing that at least He understands me, even when my priesthood leaders see me as rebellious and lacking faith, or at least that's what it feels like. 

    I HATE masks. That's not really a secret, but what most people don't truly understand is why. Like other mask-haters I believe that they are ineffective, and used primarily used for fear and control, but in addition to that, I am severely claustrophobic. Claustrophobia is defined as the fear of confined spaces and is typically classified as an anxiety disorder. I don't actually mind elevators or windowless rooms, my fear is of not being able to breathe, and since there isn't a word for that, claustrophobia is the best way to describe it.

    My earliest recollection of feeling this was when I was a kid, probably 8 or 9, playing in a friends backyard pool, I got trapped under a giant floaty that all of my friends were on top of, and I couldn't breathe. By some miracle I got out, but that experience is burned into my mind, much like when I was 19 and working at a club on Halloween night, and had to take my turn in the coffin by the entrance, with a scary mask over my face, reaching up my hand to scare the people who walked by. Almost immediately there were tears streaming down my face and I was hyperventilating. Luckily a co-worker came by to check on me and grabbed my boss who got me out of there. I've never liked snorkeling or being in the water the way Russ does and I will instinctively turn my head to get some air if Russ kisses me for too long or accidentally puts the sheet over my head while we're in bed. I always knew that this was an issue, but because I wasn't faced with it regularly, I never gave it much thought. Then came March of 2020...

    Imaging having a debilitating fear of alligators, but it's not that big of a deal, I mean it's not like we're living in the everglades of Florida, and that's not exactly something that comes up in casual conversation, so most people are unaware. But one day you're suddenly surrounded by alligators, everyone has one, and even the government is saying that everyone must own one to keep them safe. But you know that it won't keep you safe, in fact for you, it'll do way more harm than good, but still, everywhere you go people have alligators, and even though it raises your blood pressure seeing everyone else's, you put on a fake smile and say to yourself "to each their own". But that isn't good enough, people are giving you dirty looks and making snide comments about you being irresponsible for not having one. You have anxiety every time a friend wants to go out because you're not sure if that particular establishment will honor your medical exemption (but hey, at least your doctor gets it). Then one day, insult is added to injury, the church that you love and have given your whole life to, for some asinine reason, makes a statement that you must have an alligator to attend the temple. 

    This is how I feel. The one place that I should be able to go to find solace, now won't let me in. It doesn't make sense, how can the Lord's church discriminate in this way? I am paying tithing that helps build temples that I can't even enter, despite being worthy and having the desire to go. I guess I'll make that sacrifice and trust that the Lord knows more that I do, but what do I say when my sweet Zoey who just entered Young Women's asks when I can take her to do baptisms? What do I do when in just a year or so, Taevin is ready to receive his endowments before he leaves for the mission he wants to serve? These are the questions that keep me up at night. 

    It's hard not to question your faith in times like these, I keep telling myself that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true, I've had too many experiences to deny His presence in my life, but the church... Yes, I've heard that the church is perfect but the people are not (and all those other go-to cliche's church members use). For the record I don't think the church is perfect, the gospel is a different story although many members see them as one in the same. I've spent countless prayers petitioning the Lord for understanding, and although I have my theories, it doesn't change my situation, so I'll keep praying for a miracle, one that is way bigger than me.